Here at Yum Showers, we offer you the most beautiful, relaxing showers in the environs. We are a British company and - as Louis Walsh off Pop Factor might say: "Truly - Britain has got talent."
Time and time again our customers get in touch with us and thank us for introducing them to the only tantric shower massage that cleanses every pore, orifice and duct known to man. And, of course, the gentler, softer sex we call "woman".
Take, for example, Brian Kempton (right) from Norway Avenue in Schnerjksborough, Sweden.
"In my line of work, (shaving my King) I often experience residue tumbling into my eyes. Wheelchairs, bits of bone and unspecified dribble. It's the stuff of bad dreams and I don't care for it one little bit. However, thanks to the gentle cleansing gush of Yum Showers, my eyes are powerful and full of energy reviving liquid. I swear it's made me a better man. But don't take my word for it - just ask my congregation of naked ladies. Hie! Did I not mention? I'm a vicar of love."
As Kempton says, don't just take Kempton's word for it. Just wait until you take lesbian activist Brian Petal's words for it.
"As a devout lesbian my crusades often leave my eyes weak, tired and drained. Having to stare at all those dungarees while marching around nuclear power stations is a tiresome job. If you're a lesbian you'll know exactly what I'm talking about! Honestly - the state of us! LOL! Anyway, a lesbian with tired eyes is a lesbian that's unable to protect Peter Tatchell from Mugabi. That's correct: a useless lesbian. Award yourself ten points to add to your lesbometer-of-correctness. That's why I end my evenings with a nice, relaxing Yum Shower retina rinse. Prawn and Starburst flavour - obv! LOL! The feeling of the rose petal essence flowing o'er my eyebs leaves me settled, non-violent and ready to stare at the most in-focus Joan Armatrading album covers in the land. Thanks for addressing gay issues Yum Showers. And, when I say that, I know I speak for all poofs."
Keith Sumptuous, 29, has suffered from Tinhamitis since he was 29. It's a painful disease which involves the inner ear 'rejecting' its own wax, expelling it painfully via the victim's anus. As everyone knows wax is nature's building block that prevents wasps from marrying on humans' earlobes. Keith told us:
"Wasps are always wedding their betrothed on my earlobes. It's simply not on. It's tiresome and beastly and I must ask why they insist on doing it? Why? I'll tell you why. It's because I've got no fucking wax. It's all been expelled via my anus. That's why."
To this day, Vikings call wax "the nectar of the ear" and its easy to see why. The adhesive qualities of the gummy flax traps wasps' flimsy legs, tugging them from their bronze and orange fluff-sockets, preventing normal people all manner of inopportune wasp weddings.
That's why Yum Showers has set up a service for those - like Keith - who aren't normal.
Once you purchase a Yum Shower, by phoning Freefone Y-U-M-S-H-O-W-E-R, Yum Showers is obliged to offer you its free We'll Shower Your Ears If You Want (if we must) package. Our trained ear-showering technicians are available 24 hours a day and, as well as tenderly cleansing your ears, we offer a free Wasp Diversion Flag. Hie! Don't take our word for it - just listen to what it did for bum technician Keith Sumptuous...
"Yum Showers' obligatory ear showering service has changed my life. The diversion flag - with its comforting picture of a jam sandwich and accompaying text ("Hither wasps. Leave that lobe be") is second only to the warm and tender treatment I received from Barbara, the Yum Showers' operative. Yes. I may have no wax. But ask me if I have any wasps getting married on my earlobes any more! Go on! Ask me! Why haven't you asked me yet? I don't understand? Alright. Email me then. keithsumptuous@thingy.com"
Gentlemen. While cleansing one's spiced trombone and bells, one is often faced with a dilemma. Does one cautiously address one's inner trombone waste avec the softest French soap? Or does one utilise the Dettol und scouring pad procedure the Germans seem to favour? In the hustle bustle of today's world, such dilemmas should be left out of the bathroom and reserved for dinner party discussions where they belong. A quick and easy practical solution is what's required. And, once again, thanks to Yum Showers, that solution is available in an ozone-friendly, environmental gush.
Barry Gimmedelite was sick of such cleansing quandaries and decided to invest just £15,000 in Yum Showers' Gold Package Brass Rinse Solution.
Barry takes up the story from this point. Tell the audience then Barry. Go crazy Barry.
"No bualms, no qualms. That's what I say. As Chief of Ceremonies at my King's Voyage Presentations, I'm always getting mud on my single nozzled sewer system. It's not just embarrassing for my King's voyagers returning from South Sea expiditions, it's embarrassing for me, my King and his chosen Queen's country. Yum Showers' Brass Rinse System scours the crumbs one acquires on an hourly basis and - with its unique anti-fungal agent - ensures that Mrs Gimmedelite never has to worry about tiresome throat infections. She can suck away with peace of mind until the cow comes home."
* The Yum Showers range is available in four sizes: Small, Medium, Smokey Bacon or Cheese'n'Onion.
* Prices start from £14,000 and finish three weeks later. Our friendly operatives are available 24 hours a day and will be happy to answer any queries you may have. Simply call them on the number below.
Yum Showers. We don't just wash you. We love you.
Contact Yum Showers:
Tel: Repeatedly press 7 for a while until someone answers.
